A lot can happen in a year. A year ago I was hopeful.....and then hope left me. To hope means that your hopes can be dashed, the rug pulled from beneath you. And so I learnt to live without hope, and to live with acceptance. It was a strange time.
|Burgh Island, Devon|
It started with a nasty diagnosis for someone very close to me then moved on to Lovely Daughter's illness progressing to a state where she needed CPR and hospitalisation for over a month. My life changed dramatically from paid employment in a role where I helped others, to taking on the role of full-time carer at home.
In the last few weeks my father passed away unexpectedly and my mother-in-law passed away after suffering for many years with Alzheimer's.
I was in a good place when I wrote about my purple greatcoat. I wonder if I was aware that life was to become more difficult. That my life was to change beyond comprehension. That my life wouldn't follow the path I'd thought it would.
I don't know. But I do know that I'm more able to cope with the weight of the coat. I know that not every day will be heavy and laden with sorrows. On many days I get to wear a cape that is gossamer light and butterfly free.
Lovely Daughter is getting better - small steps, but we're moving forward. The nasty diagnosis I spoke of is still there, it's not going away, but it's stable at the moment. I went to two funerals in eleven days but was able to renew connections with relatives and family friends on both sides. Friends have been wonderfully supportive and so many people have been so kind.
And hope? Yes, I do recognise it at times but it has changed. My hope is not the frantic hope of longing and despair. Now I take one day at a time, managing the coat of the day. Words of hope sometimes whisper in my mind, and while I'm not ready to grasp them, they do give me a strange sort of comfort.
I have found peace.